Descriptions:
Video Description
What does a person look like after they finish a long self-initiation? This video gives the answer through an interview rather than a lecture. Lyam Christopher sits down with Nico Starlight, a friend and former student who walked the Golden Dawn curriculum from Neophyte to Portal and beyond, and the conversation turns on a question many beginners fear: what really happens when the book is done?
The answer is candid and encouraging. Nico describes a life that feels blessed rather than magical in the movie sense: money and resources appeared when needed, like dancing with the universe, and the few expectations he had were almost all wrong. He is also open about his own past as a full-blown drug addict, which makes the story more remarkable. Instead of hiding that chapter, he sees addiction as one of the very things that could be put to use on the path.
The most moving note comes near the end: the possibility of an unreasonable happiness that no longer depends on anything outside. The curriculum in Kabbalah, Magic & the Great Work of Self Transformation played the central role in that change, not as a promise of special powers but as a patient process of becoming. Both men agree it is the best thing a person could be strung out on, an enlightenment practice rather than a substance.
Full Video Transcript
all right so we should have a notification that we’re recording now now uh red dot at the top right
yeah excellent all right everything seems to be working okay we are recording this this is
actually like an interview for the youtube channel um i’m interviewing somebody who has been through
the curriculum in the kabbalah magic book uh this is nico starlight a good friend of mine now too
and we talk maybe maybe once a month we have tea online you want to say anything to introduce
yourself okay well i appreciate you having me on and yeah like you mentioned um something struck me
about a week ago um when i was watching one of your videos on your channel and it it made me
wonder has anybody really seen uh has anybody who’s watching maybe seen what happens when
you actually complete the kabbalah magic curriculum what does it actually look like
um what sort of what sort of life does that curriculum set you up with um and i remember
how important that was for me working through the curriculum it was a big mystery what was
going to happen after the portal grade and the way it’s written as well there aren’t any guidelines
or any suggested curriculum to follow after the portal grade and that was really scary
and um i thought you know i was generating a whole bunch of expectations and during the
curriculum work of what it might be and almost all of them were wrong almost all of them were
off the mark um and and it’s it’s hard to it’s hard to imagine that it was all leading here
uh it’s it’s you know my life truly feels blessed now and um kind of like i said to you the other
day when we were sort of floating the idea of doing this interview it’s it’s hard for me to
imagine my life being different from the way that it is now um and um i guess the other thing that
made me want to come on and and share my experience um i think we joked that it might even
turn into like an anti-testimonial i wanted to do a testimonial and say you know this is how great
the book is this is what it did for me in my life but it’s it’s uh the there’s no guarantee i mean
you can do everything right you could check every box on those checklists and it still won’t happen
and then on the flip side of things um you could be sitting in your garden one day and out of
nowhere it just it just comes upon you right and uh i was i was trying to think about what would
i say you know somebody asked me what was the determining factor in in my own development what
what actually made all of this work and i’m stuck on on luck like like sheer luck it just so happened
that everything was there when i needed to be needed it to be as far as like a temple space
is concerned as well all of the financial resources that i needed to complete the curriculum
were there as well uh and and it was kind of like dancing with the universe and that’s why
i call it luck because it seems like every movement i made within the magical space or
within the curriculum work she was there meeting me halfway right and it was this very elegant
dance and i hear a lot of people talk about synchronicity and they get really excited
when it seems like something’s meeting them halfway and and there’s definitely something there
that i can see now that was sort of meeting me halfway throughout the entire process
did i do anything to to gain that sort of attention did i do anything to increase the
amount of luck that i was uh attracting my i’ve i have no idea right um there’s some other things
like uh i was uneducated i didn’t do a post-secondary i i barely made it through high
school i probably have a grade 10 or 11 education proper um they passed me through just to just to
get me out the door but uh i i didn’t have a post-secondary education uh i was also an addict
i was also like a full-blown drug addict and so as far as the curriculum work dismantling a paradigm
there wasn’t much of a paradigm built up to begin with and maybe that had
something to do with it as well right youth I don’t know I was a young guy
when they started this stuff right I think you you had sort of hit rock
bottom already so there was a lot of tearing down that had happened right so
yeah yeah yeah yeah and and ultimately when when I when I heard you talking
about addiction and how it relates to magic I knew I might have something to
say i knew i might have have uh have something to say if i came on here you know yeah a lot of the
people that i work with on these like consultation calls and things like that and and also through
the direct messages on the patreon site uh they are also struggling with addiction um have or
have struggled with addiction it’s a major thing and uh early on i recognized that uh addiction is
the primary mechanism of suffering from which we can largely free ourselves uh not in the way that
we might think though in other words you can’t from kids like oh i banish them and they go away
no no no so yeah so you banish them so that you can now confront them and and like sort of face
to face uh deal with them and then of course we do then what i call turn the light around where
examine the entity that is that feels hurt or left behind or whatever it is
like these all these entities that want to rise up and little golem figures who
are kicked around by life you know yeah yeah
uh yeah um let me see uh
so somebody left a really interesting comment on one of your videos
um and it sort of
created the difference between a chemical dependence on a particular substance and
a psychological dependence on, let’s say, altered states of consciousness themselves, right?
And I thought that was a really interesting distinction. For me, it was definitely a
psychological dependence on altered states of consciousness. I mean, the stuff that I was
really attracted to as far as substances were concerned were the dreamy substances um like
the psychedelic type substances what did you do a dmt lsd psilocybin uh yeah those sorts of things
hashish as well i think hashish was my favorite because it seemed to wake up my chi and uh i would
i would uh eat hashish and and just sit around the house doing yoga for an entire afternoon
and i was even able to shut the blinds and get the room really dark and then go to like
visionary states like uh full-blown visions just on just on hashish and i think that i think that
was the chi sort of meeting it halfway as well because i was already doing the neophyte grade
work um when i was deep into the into the hashish use and um it seemed the pentagram rituals in the
middle pillar were enough to get that energy flowing and then taking the hashish we kind of
open up the door to the psyche and and and visions like full-blown visions um the thing that i was
going to say though was um so the other thing i should mention is uh i have seven years of clean
time and and uh and sobriety i guess you can say i like to say clean and sober because sometimes you
say sober and that means that you just don’t drink but you do other substances i don’t do anything
i think the only thing that i that i have uh as a as an aid is is caffeine okay i was about to call
you out on that one yeah yeah yeah of course uh and and one day right one day it seems that i
still benefit from having that in my life at least at this point right i just went through a whole
adventure in my heart and mind last night deciding am i gonna quit caffeine and the verdict is no
i’m not gonna i’ve been through that a hundred times myself it’s just yeah i don’t know maybe
one day right but you know actually i’m very suspicious though of the research because the
people doing research into the benefits of caffeine are probably derived they’re left
they’re seeing the rosy side of it just because they want to keep drinking it you know very much
like people used to say that oh smoking is good for you like your doctor smokes so you should do
it too right yeah and aren’t they doing that research on caffeine too that doesn’t that
doesn’t that form they’re probably on caffeine while they’re doing the research right exactly
so the the drug itself is infiltrating them saying you want yeah yeah yeah yeah that’s right
but it’s actually that’s i’m glad you brought that up because because one of the things that
that i wrote down the other day when i was just kind of brainstorming what we might talk about
today is this is this idea of using uh substances as permission slips to access altered states of
consciousness right and i absolutely have that sort of relationship with caffeine right now
and um we’ve talked before how if i really want to get the drama happening in a ritual i need a real
stiff espresso before i go in right and and i and i recognize that it’s a it’s a it’s a permission
slip to access that altered state of consciousness that i can’t necessarily replicate myself
at least not yet and ultimately what got me to to relax as far as the psychedelic substances were
concerned um was the ability to produce those altered states of consciousness or those visionary
states of consciousness myself without needing the the permission slip of the drug to access
those dreamy states of mind and in waking like while awake too you know i’m not necessarily
talking about lucid dreaming or astral projection but of course that’s a that’s a that’s a it’s a
a similar branch of the same thing. I’m talking about visions within like a
ceremony, maybe doing the banishing rituals, the invoking rituals, and then
actually doing a scrying session with a particular planet and sort of visiting
the plane of that planet and having real visions without any substances. Well the
exception of my caffeine course but that was so important to me in in sort of
relaxing on the on the drug use and and really being able to let that go and
realizing that this served me for a time but I can access these states of
consciousness without the drug I don’t really need the help of the drug anymore
and actually at that point the drugs actually gonna pull me away from from
being able to to to do that thing to have that ability right and i see that with so so being
seven years into like a clean time sobriety recovery journey um the only way i was able
to do it was was getting hooked up with a community of recovering addicts right of course
i and i still believe that this is this is the task that is too big to do by ourselves
and there seems to be it seems to be the most important ingredient of any recovery is the
connection with um a group or support or mentor yeah you just don’t know like you don’t you don’t
know what it’s like you can’t conceive of a life without drugs or maybe you can but it’s pure
agony these people are different these people are not using drugs and they’re happy that was the
most important thing for me for the most part yeah yeah yeah sure i mean and and what’s tricky
uh and what i what i learned by hanging around these these fellowships was that these people
are doing magic whether they know it or not they’re doing the tantric work some of them are
better at it than others some of them you can see have really gone through some sort of awakening
yeah and you are you’re probably finding now that you magnetize them because you when i’m around
people who are in support groups they get a whiff of some of the stuff i’m doing let’s say with the
magic and and then they are excited about it and want to do more of it want to know the tricks want
to know this and that and i’m kind of like i don’t really uh want to disclose much to them unless
they’re very serious about a lot of times when i’m dealing with people who have the addictive
personality even when they are making progress in recovery let’s say it’s mainly in regards to
the illegal substances and and very often when i go to the meetings of friends who are probably
have friends like that anymore i need more friends but um but um when i used to go to
meet the friends who who were addicts um they would invite their addict friends over as well
and um there was always candy in abundance and then people would go out into the back to smoke
because they you know like trading addictions or whatever and the sugar was a major part of that
yeah yeah and um and eventually somebody would get around to saying you’re not a drunk are you
liam you know like um that’s uh but they would very often get very um interested in what it was
that i had going on let’s say uh and i for some reason that the their constant urgency to seek
comfort in um me or the candy or the cigarette would have me uh sort of stepping back you know
they’re not really ready to deal with this kind of work yet or something like that it would take
more than just saying what are you doing to get me to open up and talk about magic right you know
know what i mean yeah yeah yeah and and generally i don’t talk about it um like like what goes on
with with me the the stuff that i do uh i don’t talk about it and i think one of the things that
i love about the fellowship is it gives us a framework to talk about a sort of cathartic
spiritual awakening journey um without using terms like enlightenment magic pentagrams hexagrams that
sort of stuff right and i get to i get to still share some of the insights that i’ve that i’ve uh
some of the conclusions that i’ve come to in magic but in this sort of shared language that we all
use in in those fellowships that’s that’s the test of the adept because i go into my work as
a reading learning specialist i’m helping students in at the college level basically
do shadow work yes with entities but i’m not referring to it that way i still use the abstract
terms but what i’m sitting with them i see these entities more or less moving and controlling them
you know and i can help them start to see them too but not in any spooky way with rituals or
anything like that um but it’s mainly you know when they ask if somebody were asked how do you
get these insights i i if i told you i’d have to kill you you know because it’s like oh drop
pentagrams and hexagrams and magic circles and yeah yeah yeah so and so the sponsorship
aspects of of what we do in those fellowships is really important as well because that’s
the invitation for me to interfere in someone’s recovery process and and it functions more as a
as a guide as a mentor of course but people ought to know if they’re going to ask me to sponsor them
that i’m going to pick on them a little bit and and as we go through that step working process
which if you look at the at the 12 steps uh the bulk of them are shadow work the bulk of those
steps are are really uh the the first couple are just kind of getting you out of your own way and
and maybe functioning more in line like what’s step one like oh so step one is is um admitted
we are powerless over our addiction that our lives have become unmanageable yeah that’s that’s
essentially turning the light around that’s like there were just entities powerless entities oh
like yeah yeah okay good and i always like to refer that refer to that as the reflexive awareness
of your own insanity which is so important to to the recovery journey right i think a lot of
addicts get stuck the way that they are because they think they’re big yes make no mistake modern
humans are all pretty much all insane we suffer from a type of mild psychosis um i call it’s
actually quite major um we have mild psychosis called modernity modernity and uh where we’re
all stuffed up inside of ourselves in our control tower egos and we are guilty about doing everything
we do and we are responsible for everything we do and we are we feel bad about the stuff we do and
the things we want and we can’t tell it you know like oh god it just goes on and on uh and
primarily what we’re doing in this eyeshadow work is um making peace with all that i was going to
say break out of it uh but yeah you do break out of it but it’s all still there you can’t escape
from you can’t escape from all these instincts they’re very dark and scary um i’m probably going
going to have a fear of heights for the rest of my life yeah fine at least i’m okay with it right
it’s it’s perfectly fine yeah um all these things uh but the the benefit of being free of them is
very hard to describe because they they they move through you and they don’t have any hold they yeah
in other words there’s they all have hooks but you don’t have any holes where the hooks can grab onto
anymore yeah yeah yeah but you’re just you’re not sticky anymore nothing sticks to you anymore
that’s kind of what happens when when we’re when we’re full-blown addicts is we just get
tossed around like we’re in a laundry machine right and and but that that thing that recognizes
insanity as insanity is sanity is is sort of the thing that is finally that’s so weird when when
we’re insane we don’t notice yes like one of the weirdest things a narcissist classic narcissist
can be uh super intelligent but no matter how smart they are they just don’t see that as that
behavior in themselves yeah blows my mind yeah yeah so crowley is an example of the current
president as an example yeah i just don’t see it yeah amazing and and uh there’s a line in the
aa text that talks about people who are constitutionally incapable of grasping this
very simple program there are such unfortunates and i think of people who uh appear to have been
born that way and ouch yeah it’s it’s sad because they’re it does happen right um but i i should go
through at least the first three steps to get because they’re quite there is
something there I mean it works for millions and millions of people and I do
think that there there is something there and it’s kind of like a very
palatable spiritual process a lot of people can go through goes goes together
very well with the kind of work that we do extremely well I mean golden golden
dawn type curriculum work yeah um step two came to believe that a power greater than ourselves
could restore us to sanity i don’t ever talk about god when i say that because the addict
thinks that he has the solution to his own problem or he uh his or her problem right um no
and in fact this is where that fellowship aspect of the recovery process is so incredibly important
um you really don’t know what it’s going to take to to transform this yeah if you did you wouldn’t
be in it right yeah exactly right and and it’s and that second step is more getting you in a place
where you are finally teachable and you can accept that somebody else out there or a group of people
out there might have a better grasp on this stuff than you do uh there’s something so stuck up about
an addict who thinks that they they know how to solve their own problems and you can look at the
evidence in their lives i mean not solving anything right but until they get to that place
where they accept that they may not have all the answers they’re unteachable there’s nothing you
can do for them right and then the third step uh naturally follows the first two um made a decision
to turn our will in our lives over to the care of god as we understood him um and whatever everyone
Everyone crafts their own understanding of a higher power, but it’s all okay.
So I now believe that there’s something greater than me that can help me, that can teach me
how to live, even if it’s the group of recovering addicts who are happy and are going to teach
you how to be happy, you accept and you turn your life over to whatever they say, right?
And usually this is the point where you go out and get a sponsor, and a sponsor is just
person that you see that has what you want uh as far as a life as far as a recovery is concerned
and you ask them how you how they got it and uh i i’ve yet to have i don’t i don’t have a lot of
sponsees of course right because there’s this there is this other brooding ever presence to
everything that i say in those groups and a lot of people can recognize it a lot of people can
recognize that sort of magical dimension that i have to me most are frightened but i’m really
impressed by the people who sit down and and ask me like nico there’s something different about you
what is that thing how do i get it right it’s very very rare if that ever happens right um but the
rest of the step working process but the exception of the last three um are is the shadow working
process. It’s a personal inventory, a sort of admission that this is who you are or who you’ve
come to be. There’s this sort of recognition that you make with your own shortcomings as an
individual. There’s even an amends process where you go out and you sort of accept responsibility
for the things that you’ve done. And then the rest of the separating process, the last three,
are journaling prayer meditation and service so not only do you uh a lot of addicts say that the
only way to keep what they have as far as sort of a spiritual awakening that occurs in the in the
fellowships is to be of service right um and it’s so i’ll say two things a lot of the reason why i
wanted to come on today uh and talk about this stuff is because of that service aspect um i
realize that I only get to keep what I have and continue to evolve in this world, in this magical
space as if I’d be of service, right? And I’m surprised that that’s what it was at the end of
it all. I’m surprised that being of service and sort of coming on these kinds of platforms and
opening my mouth and talking about it is what would allow me to continue to evolve. And even
when i see a kid on the bus reading wheels of life by anodya judah i i feel this sense of
obligation to go over and and talk to them about what they’re reading and often they’ll school me
often they’ll they’ll think i’m just for some regular stranger and they’ll start to tell me
about the chakras and and i love that i love just being invisible and in that way and just and just
letting them get so excited about what they’re reading and right you might drop drop one
question that gets some uh doubting something and then they’re off and running and you’re like
okay yeah yeah yeah yeah um and i thought i thought the adept was going to be very different
when i was doing the grade work i i did not know it was going to be uh uh a service i didn’t i
didn’t know it was going to be a servant or a butler type of individual where
you’re kind of a slave to the entire universe I don’t know it’s it’s it’s
hard to describe but but there is such a I yeah I want to describe it it’s not
like you are a humble like the Buddha going from place to place and living in
poverty or whatever like that when I worked as a learning specialist at the
college let’s say i would be i would sit with students and then um something urgent in the
session would come up in terms of their development and i would feel the presence intensify in me this
is what i recall the holy guardian angel whatever would then loom up in the session
and it takes the form of a very sharp sort of surgical strike with them and sometimes you
you end up doing things that like what what i can’t believe i did that this is going to be a
disaster i’m going to get fired or like in other words like that you know um the professor’s going
to get pissed at what the paper they wrote or something like that right yeah and it all never
never because when you’re doing it with with you know professors teachers at the college level
they like mold breaking ideas and and they love it when students are pushing their boundaries
expanding leveling up it always went well always until recently basically I
had I decided to leave the job because the management of the learning center
where I worked was was some was becoming I don’t know more or less corrupt and I
tried to make it work with them in the past but long story short I left yeah
yeah but the there was an overlap I realized between these two topics
because it’s funny for me to say that I really credit a lot of my psychedelic experiences for
opening me up to what altered states of consciousness are like. I wouldn’t have known
otherwise. We’re not saying don’t do drugs. What I often tell students of magic is that
um i don’t recommend doing these substances but it’s nice having done them yeah it’s nice because
uh they do give us glimpses in to a life beyond the envelope of the ego or whatever it is you know
or they or they shove us right up into the ego so we can feel the sensation of what it’s like
to be a meat puppet you know of this of these forces right um i think percocet did that for
me i wasn’t i was after surgery i wasn’t an addict of it but but i was very curious about the effect
which was really weird um yeah and i’m no stranger to drugs either i’ve done oh this is a confession
i’ve done i’ve done marijuana i’ve done lsd i’ve done psilocybin i think that’s about it oh i’ve
done special k that was very interesting yeah uh but never was an addict of the i’ve done cocaine
as well yeah and i still do caffeine and uh did i say marijuana i’ve done that too yeah marijuana
for me was um a mild hallucinogen as it is for some people oh yeah oh absolutely um we’re in a
strange place in canada now um like i live in southern ontario in canada and as people probably
know it’s like fully legal here um there’s just as many pot shops where i live as there are tim
importance um which is our go-to coffee house it’s probably like which yeah i just want to comment
on that that remember um marijuana is is pretty cool but it lowers iq it’s been proven to lower
oh yeah and not so good for magic right no no no not at all and that’s what i was going to get
into i mean um we we see people now um who are who are experiencing like a full psychosis as a result
of overusing marijuana and my my wife and I were talking the other day like
when it when we were kids like when we were kids growing up in the early 2000s
you could you could really smoke the stuff all day and it wouldn’t really do
anything super fantastical but now it seems like very little amounts are
giving people um like a hallucinogenic response and chronic amounts are are just driving people
completely mad and uh we have a friend of ours well if you say so right but uh we have a friend
of ours who works in a in a treatment facility and he was saying to us that like most of the people
we get in and we have to process in this treatment facility are people who have had psychotic breaks
as a result of marijuana use yeah and this is all very new stuff since i worked with the ones who
yeah i worked with a woman who couldn’t smoke marijuana because she was prone to psychosis yeah
yeah yeah yeah uh and it’s it’s it’s it’s a bit it’s it’s a bit nerve-wracking because it’s it’s
not oh i feel like such an old person when i say this but it’s it’s not your parents marijuana out
there you know uh it it really isn’t um and i’m and i’m thankful that um so if you wind the clocks
back i think it was legalized in like october of 2018 here in canada and i quit quit by then
i quit around that time so i’ve never experienced the legal marijuana i’ve never bought it in a shop
like most people do oh that’s so cool the legalized is more powerful yeah right now there
in florida where i live there is a loophole in the laws where you can get a psychoactive
what if marijuana in edible form yeah i could actually go down there right now and buy some
if i wanted to which i don’t like knowing because i i’m quite fond of the that buzz you know but if
i keep it around the house you know i’m going to eat it so yeah um so let’s see if i could resist
doing that but if i start getting dumber on these videos you’ll know uh liam’s liam’s into the pot
again yeah uh yeah um i i mean the i i don’t know if i like i can do that i can do that like
i don’t i would never dream of of smoking marijuana or eating marijuana again because
that state of being that it puts you into is just so accessible to me now as a result of the
magical work i mean if i really want to feel that way um you know i had an experience at work just
a few days ago where oh yeah the visitor i wonder where my visitor is we’re going to get lots of
comments on this video and it’s all going to be about far the ferret so nothing about anything
we’ve talked about okay but uh i had an experience at work just a few days ago where um i was i was
stressed i could feel there was just a lot a lot of craziness going on i work in a factory an
automotive manufacturing facility and man it never slows down it’s always crazy it’s always
on right and there are so many times throughout the day where i like go to my tool cabinet and
i close my tool cabinet and i just sit on the ground i often do this too i just sit on the
ground up against my tool cabinet and i do the i do the poor breed the practice of the presence
of god from um one of regarding his books and within a minute like i’m gone completely gone
yeah the poor breathing and on the patreon site you can find that under the article called the
insanity of geometry it’s a very detailed description of poor breathing that’s such
an important exercise by the way for anybody doing magical work poor breathing or practice
of the presence of god like you’re saying that is a very powerful exercise in fact if you don’t do
any magic at all just do poor breathing and um yeah talk to me about it though because uh
hyperventilation is not good for you so you don’t want to like poor poor breathe yourself to death
you know oh no i’m i’m heavy on the breath holds like heavy on the breath holds probably i don’t
count either i try and follow there’s like a natural rhythm that i can sense in my body and
so i don’t even know what my count is but heavy heavy on the breath let me say something about
um withdrawal sure uh you’re reminding me of that too because i would i would use maybe breath work
to see if i could ease the symptoms of withdrawal it did work somewhat yeah but withdrawal that i
went through with um kratom um the first time i walked into the kratom bar by the way was i
i said kratom and everybody knew i was a total newbie right um yeah but then some guy came up
and lectured me about how addictive it was and then i thought this was going to be interesting
and sure enough i got addicted and uh it was not pleasant it it it’s the first time i’ve ever
really it wasn’t psychological addiction i don’t think because it was uh something was wrong
something was really wrong like um it’s dopamine serotonin and uh whatever um morphine what stuff
whatever that is um so that was what it did is it put me in a continuous stress response
yeah yeah which which is an altered state of consciousness surprise surprise
and so i thought i found it really interesting because it’s like well now i’m really in an
altered state for real like um and people kind of go to to take kratom so they can get out of their
altered state of consciousness and just be normal for a bit as much as that is even though you have
this weird buzz going on right yeah and then and then it wears off and then they’re back in their
stress response which is the altered state again and i thought that was so interesting because now
i got shoved into this sort of um unenlightened state and i really had trouble seeing past it
yeah so um but uh but because of my experience uh with the magic and all this stuff um i knew how to
deal with these things in other words ride it out because i know it’s a passing thing yeah it’s a
certain magic circle that’s come over me and says no you’re going to confront this now and so i did
and then and and of course i learned stuff really a lot of stuff from that too um but just to keep
in mind that our state of suffering that is the altered state and a lot of times we’re just trying
to be feel okay yeah which is which is the natural state yeah yeah yeah yeah and and so working with
addicts that’s that’s the number one thing that i try and put across is that we’re going to respect
the reasons why you’re doing this and we’re going to help you find this because we’ve been there
actually looking for right right right and and there’s something so beautiful about an addict
because they sense that something’s not right something has gone terribly wrong and they’re
trying to find a solution to that thing that’s gone terribly wrong and and what they want to
say for that this thing they’re going through is like an amplification of what’s wrong with
the human condition let’s say yes in other words we’ve we’ve evolved into a state of suffering
and the suffering goes on because it drives us to compete to excel to conquer the planet
unconsciously so that’s why it persists because it works in a really sick way right and that so we
we persist in this state of uh ego psychosis and uh separation from nature and all this stuff
um because it’s generating some success for us even though we’re we tend to be miserable as a
species for the most part you know yeah and uh especially when it’s even worse when we get what
we want then we try to get more of it and then it just drives the process even more right yeah
um and just to and what we really want is to be free of that yeah yeah yeah so in other words
i want to be free of my need to feel good all the time that’s what we really want
yeah yeah that’s that’s a weird thing to say yeah it kind of works too like at least temporarily uh
but that’s the trick i mean if it’s it doesn’t really work i i think it’s good for for for the
exposure um and i think that’s that’s what well drugs did for my own journey right
please let’s talk about how 12-step programs don’t work okay because
Because, in other words, when people will read the Kabbalah Magic Book and they’ll say,
I can’t believe in the first chapter he says most people will not succeed in this work.
It’s simply what we’re up against.
We’re not really up against anything.
But the challenge that we’re facing is so insidious that we probably won’t succeed.
and it’s the same reason why 12-step programs they they work of course they work but not for
everybody and they would actually they work for i mean what percent of people actually succeed
in 12-step programs it’s very low it’s it tends to be low right but they do work there’s something
very important about how they work that most people don’t seem to be i don’t know ready
to face or to grapple with if there’s a challenge involved and the same thing goes for the magical
work it’s very they’re very much the same animal as far as i’m concerned because the the incessant
dissatisfaction that we feel which is the unenlightened state that’s the same thing i saw
when i walked into the kratom bar it’s like oh there it is again it’s just it happens to be
stronger with people who are prone to addiction yeah now that like i’ve said before is an advantage
because you can see it more clearly when you’ve got it yeah uh and if it’s only subtle like you’re
not really the addict type then it’s going to persist all through your life and you barely
notice it but you know something’s wrong you know and that nobody’s happy around you you’re not
happy like it’s like but when am i going to find my happiness you know and at least some people
have it bad enough so they actually then go and dig into the shadow work and this um or you know
do tantric work or do golden dawn ceremonial magic or or whatever it is you know yeah the
irony is that i see people strung out on the enlightenment process and and i and i tell people
that i think the fastest way to become unenlightened is to pursue enlightenment that’s the fastest way
and i you know i for my own process i really had to assess the the addict part of me right that
that thing that was that was rising up in me right and chasing carrots on a stick meanwhile i’m
holding the stick right that’s that’s what the at some point i can’t remember when it was but at
some point i realized that this this this need for enlightenment to occur or this need for the
Adeptus Minor grade to dawn upon me, that is the very thing that was actually keeping me from
accessing those states of consciousness. And it was as soon as I was able…
There is no such thing as enlightenment.
No, exactly, right? And I think chasing after this thing, and that’s why I say I was chasing
a carrot on a stick, but I was holding the stick. And it was realizing, oh my gosh,
like i’m chasing after nothing let’s be let’s be clear uh what we what we end up doing is being
free of all this shit you know in other words like and not like it’s not there anymore it’s
still there you know but it doesn’t um sink its teeth into us anymore yeah that so and the way
it’s described in buddhism they say to read to nirvana means to be blown out the fires out the
fire of that incessant dissatisfaction is gone yeah gone am I there yet no I’m
not there it’s but the suffering the suffering comes over me and then it’s
very quickly like whoop there it is again and then it’s then it disappears
yeah so that you can get to that to a state within this very life where
suffering barely has any hold on you at all anymore yeah yeah and it’s so
strange so like in that regard it can I say magic works like well well no
because there’s no there’s here there’s your testimonial everyone but what it
what it does appear to do I’m tripping over my words as I say this because it
seems to to help that help you work through that dissatisfaction in some way
shape or form it’s like it’s almost like the the magic helps you forget about or let go of this
this need to be enlightened or this need to be an adept um or or an initiate or whatever right
and it’s so funny because as soon as you reach that point where that’s settled with that
dissatisfaction within you and this grasping after enlightenment is settled once and for all
all of a sudden you’re there all of a sudden you realize oh my gosh yeah until the next
pain until the next obsession comes over you right in other words you kind of
but the funny thing is it’s more like it’s more like waves of orgasm in other words there’s a
tension and release i’m exaggerating when i say it’s like oh and like being enlightened is like
an orgasm right so it’s more like um when the the desire and the fear comes up it’s like you
are aware that i have to tell you probably the best instruction i ever got from my teachers
and that my students tend to get from me is when there is ego behavior coming up they they
immediately turn up the awareness they look at it’s in other words i don’t want to do that everybody
all the adepts look at you immediately and that’s so you learn to do that so in other words
enlightenment is not about chasing after enlightenment enlightenment is about every
time that that little whiny voice comes up the little golem creature you’re like excuse me where
did you come from and it is like terrified because it’s like yeah yeah so that’s and that’s how a
teacher tends to be you know because when um when a little bit of whining and complaining comes up
they’re like oh let’s let’s take a look at this you’re like what yeah yeah yeah and i think it’s
almost like we’re doing the opposite of what we’re what we thought we were doing in other words we’re
going into the darkness and then picking it apart and saying wow this is amazing
i think that’s why people don’t ask me to sponsor them because they know that uh
i’m not going to go after the thing that they think that i’m going to go after i’m going to
go after the the real addict the little whiny golem there’s a way of doing it because it’s
just simply expressing fascination with people uh even if you’re interested in their darkness
is very flattering to them so it’s not a love too it’s not a genuine like love and compassion
um and and i think um one of the experiences that that i get to have now okay so this is
maybe a positive testimony to the to the cabala magic book okay so one of the experiences that
i get to have now um is recognizing myself in others that seems so cliche but what i really
mean is is that consciousness or that pure awareness is what spirite likes to talk about
right and that’s what’s allowed me to experience love like with with with my wife i’m married
thankfully i i met my wife after the cabala magic curriculum otherwise i probably would have would
have would have really fallen for it in in not such a good way i really liked that that um video
you did on on venus the venus trap uh and i’m so thankful that i met my wife when i did because
otherwise i would have i would have really that really would have been a huge distraction for me
right that video struck a lot of nerve a lot of nerves with people um and so i’m glad i’m glad
but the the experience that i had with her when we really started getting intimate with each other
was recognizing oh my god that’s me but how am i i’m over here how am i over and it’s one of the
experiences that i have regularly with people when we get down to the really intimate conversation
it’s like oh my god these are so that’s why when when people say well the demons are just all in
my head it’s like no they’re they are we are immersed in the imagination and when when you
confront them within yourself then you begin to notice them in other people we are all sort of
um uh infiltrated by these um sort of entities and they don’t just exist in people they exist
in the like maybe the biosphere or in the um morphic field or something like that
there really does seem to be like an astral plane or a etheric plane or something like that where
we share in each other’s um continued struggles and evolution or whatever like that
um so and the interesting thing to me is that even if you were to be completely isolated and do
tantric work or kabbalah magic work or zen work completely on your own that you would still be
impacting that morphic resonance field and that same kind of work would also be possible for
everybody else on the planet as well particularly humans because we resonate more with our own
species in the morphic resonance field. If anyone is interested in morphic resonance,
just look up Rupert Sheldrake. It’s a theory, it’s not proven, but apparently life evolves
and behaves the way it does and evolves the way it does through some kind of principle that is not
explainable in terms of building blocks, in terms of DNA and things like that. And the only theory
that seems to work so far is just a theory of morphic resonance and the morphogenetic field
in other words the astral plane and blah blah blah yeah yeah well and and i get that impression
lately from because i went through this whole phase uh we have winters up here i don’t know
how how northern uh some of your viewers go but like winters are harsh wow are they ever harsh
and and i i’ve been in this rhythm the past couple of years where i’m where i’m going
into the winter if that makes sense that really dark cold bitter merciless environment that
climate sort of as a as a tantric process right and i did that this last this last season i didn’t
even uh i do all my ritual work in a in a cellar so it’s very small very cold very cramped oh um
but what do you mean when you you go into you go into the winter with what type of trepidation or
what do you what do you say oh i’ll tell you in a sec so okay just just as um just as a tantric
demon will say something to be affronted by and make peace with yeah okay um and and i incorporated
that into the drama of my ceremonies by not using any heat in my cold cellar i see and and it was
probably like minus 10 in there not as cold as it was outside but probably
minus 10 in there regularly for most of the winter and I’m in there in just a
robe nothing else and still trying to maintain the peace and the balance of
like a middle pillar exercise in that frigid environment yeah was oh wow it
changed it changed me right and I yeah I have to say my teacher Laura York who
lived in Washington state and not not as brutal but it’s it would stay in the
30s all day long during the winter right and it’s rainy and all that and she
would never use heat and we I wouldn’t visit I visited her in the winters and I
Florida this was difficult but she’d had the she had developed the ability to
heat up her hands at will and so she yeah she could do tummo you know in
In other words, if you live in a cold environment, you can take advantage of that and develop
brown fat and work on your ability to generate higher levels of Kundalini, static electricity,
and body heat.
It’s really cool stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that was the goal as well.
I was really frustrated with a lot of the Inner Fire, Tummo stuff that I was reading.
It’s all that Eastern parlance that I don’t know if I really …
Well, I thought it was so funny because eventually I learned about brown fats.
oh, all you have to do is live in that environment and your body will automatically develop the ability to eat itself up.
It’s like, yeah. And they’re like, we have these mystical powers.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. And it was very plain for me as well.
I said, you know what, if I’m if I’m going to do this, we’re just going to kind of go for it and we’ll see what emerges.
And it worked by the end of it. Even now, still, if I if I do my little has a lot to do with holding breath.
as well and increasing the carbon dioxide in in the body that alone if i’m if i’m sitting doing
my little breath bulbs i immediately become warm and i have um i have a practice now where
i don’t do a super cold shower um because it’s starting to warm up here and and i could use a
break from the winter frankly so i don’t do a super cold shower but as soon as i can feel it’s
cold on my skin i’ll let the shower run on my face on the top of my head and around the back of my
neck and i’ll hold my breath for about 20 seconds do a really slow exhale inhale again hold for
about 20 seconds really slow exhale inhale again hold for about 20 seconds maybe for a couple of
minutes and heat instantly all over my body there you go it’s happening yeah yeah yeah yeah um it’s
funny because when um if any of you guys do cold plunges or whatever like that you get in the water
and it’s as though your mitochondria themselves are yelling at you you know and it’s almost like
that’s what you start to have a dialogue with it’s like it’s okay we’re going to be fine
let’s just get in the water we’ll be fine see we’re fine and eventually they settle down it’s
okay we’re going to be okay we’re going to develop brown versions of ourselves that can generate
body heat we’re okay we’re okay with this we’re with you now we’re going to go let’s do this
together and it’s like it’s like you are this um you are this executive function that is now
communicating with the little uh critters inside your body which are there are zillions of them
right um and they eventually settle down and uh it’s um you could even use you know imagery to
actually work with that so that you could there’s like there’s a demon inside you that um uh at
first it freaked out and would try to cringe up and protect you and shiver and whatever and then
until you eventually told it it was okay and that this is how we now behave right so yeah
yeah really cool stuff and that seems to be the the goal is to is to and i say make peace with
but i can say it another way nothing uh nothing ruins your your ability to stave off the cold
uh then panic if you go into the cold and you start panicking you’re finished it’s it’s just
if you can’t get out of that that super stressed out fight or flight sympathetic nervous system
state and sort of tap into the parasympathetic when i sound like wim hof when i say this and
not tap into the parasympathetic nervous system state while you’re immersed in the in the cold
um you’re you’re going to lose your feet very quickly at least when you get in you might be
all like oh but then of course you need to relax when you’re in right yeah and that’s your tension
right that’s that’s your workout making peace with whatever’s going on right turning the light
around and so on and so forth um but that wasn’t even the point of what i was going to say i can’t
can’t remember I brought up the winter stuff going into the winter as though
you’re preparing for dark months I think that’s what I was getting out of it no
yeah yeah and I think I’m thankful I’m thankful that I live where I live it’s
it’s been so important for me to have winters because you really don’t have a
choice I mean you can tan that helps a little bit you can take vitamin D that
helps a little bit but let’s see um during the winter solstice we only get
about eight hours of sunlight here um and the sunlight we get is gray skies like you don’t
actually see the sun the sun might actually poke through once every two or three weeks or so um
but that’s for that’s for about five five or six months it’s like that and then uh sort of around
the equinoxes is when the the light starts to break through again it’s it’s remarkably therapeutic
to experience that um once a year let’s say right yeah to have actually have seasons whereas florida
has florida has a gorgeous springtime for five months and then it’s insufferable steam bath for
oh yeah no i i’ve never catched me living in a dreadful place like that
I want to I want to I think about going more north like like oh wow because
there’s places in in Ontario even that there is very little light for six
months of the year scary so scary but I don’t know something about that is still
still attracts still attracts me yeah but you said you said something cool and
and I’ll and I’ll use this to to to bring the topic forward is enlightening
I’m sorry I’m likening the Enlightenment state to a kind of orgasm oh we knew
this was gonna come up oh yeah and one of the things that I wanted to choose as
as a sort of um a major uh a kind of energy work that i really wanted to get into to be clear
something that happens when we uh finish the kabbalah magic work if we are able to do that
is we kind of it’s kind of like being in college when you eventually choose a master’s degree or a
specialty a lot of people do anokian let’s say or they do just kabbalah or they do alchemy
as their main area of focus now because that can be the work of a lifetime right there
and Nico did something else. So I was really fascinated by all of these books that talked
about Adepts sort of harnessing their sexuality for the purpose of enlightenment and how powerful
sexuality was as a drive, as an energy. I still personally don’t really know what it is.
is. Could be kundalini, I’m not 100% sure. Every time I think I have a grasp on it or
I have a philosophy that might work, something new comes about, a new experience comes about
that just completely defies what I thought I knew about sexuality as a force. Sometimes
I think it’s hormones, sometimes I think we’ve just developed a practice to sort of hijack
our our hormones um i’m also not really talking about semen retention either i don’t know if the
semen retention guys are particularly healthy at least not from the kinds of stuff that i see
on on youtube i don’t know if that’s uh i don’t know if that’s it i don’t know if it’s more
in line with the yogas that i just described um and sort of
realizing that we are being affronted by pleasure itself and one of the things
that i would say about the practice is
the for men and women uh i would i would guess
this is on instinct and and just some personal experience
of mine i would guess that the orgasm has something to do with our inability to process bliss
in the body and sort of being affronted by bliss and pleasure itself and uh what you can
sort of expand this idea and say that an enlightened being wouldn’t need orgasm they
would be able to contain the entire sexual force within their aura bask in in heightened levels of
bliss and not need it to come to an end and oh pun intended i am so not enlightened sorry guys
but uh but that but that being and and i i think of somebody who you know and this is just within
the imagination i i can conjure this up this idea of an enlightened person constantly experiencing
various states of orgasm as a part of their natural state of being yes but now you have to
remember that the the dichotomy between in the magic circle itself between subject and object
is a it’s a building up of a scenario which is dissolving and another scenario builds up and
like when you fall in love the the narrative that your nervous system builds around love
it isn’t real and we know that don’t we and yet it’s so profound and so overpowering and then it
goes away and it comes back and of course and then there’s that tension we build with in the bedroom
you know that and then it uh releases again it’s sort of like um magic circle comes down traps the
energy and then it dissolves and whatever like yeah so uh this what we’re playing with is the
same energy it it is static electricity as far as we know yeah yeah uh and i don’t know i mean
i would love to read those rupert sheldrake books uh watch the videos they’re very dense he’s he’s
quite a renowned he’s he knows his stuff he’s very uh he uh the most skeptical biologist can’t
really debate with him because he’s always right on the right on top of the science this is why
i know this is theory i’m not saying this is real i’m just proposing a theory that’s all
there’s evidence to support it you know yeah so just to be clear that when we work with that um
a dichotomy between subject and object between the spirit outside the circle and the spirit
inside the circle that is a sexual relationship it is a yeah it’s a it’s yeah i mean the sexual
energy let’s say um but of course that energy is much more than sex it’s it’s um it’s a profound
fear desire uh energy which which is being used to craft stories and narratives that are that aren’t
real but they’re they exist within the imagination and it’s kind of like if somebody if somebody
comes and starts telling you a joke they build up this whole big story and all this this this um
framework of what’s happening or what you think is happening is now constructing itself in your
mind because they’re very skillful telling the joke they’re getting you to build up this
expectation and then the one punch line comes along to reveal that everything that you’ve just
built up is wrong and the whole thing comes crashing down that’s a release of energy right
there which causes laughter yeah now adepts laugh a lot because these because it’s like oh my god
i thought this was happening and that wasn’t happening and that just keeps happening
and over and over again yeah yeah the well so uh if i were to hand on any techniques
to people who might want to have their pleasure last longer one of the best things that i’ve
found is to laugh laugh and smile literally smile i don’t know what it is about a smile or a laugh
that brings that energy up into a different place in the body that’s that’s all i can really say
without getting too explicit for those of you who don’t have a sense of humor that involves
yourself you know there’s many people think that laughing is making fun of other people
don’t laugh at your partner
no and it’s and it’s a basking in your own pleasure i think is is what when i think of a
buddha laughing it’s okay oh my god what does that mean like if somebody were um pleasuring
themselves if they want to prolong their pleasure they would laugh while they’re pleasuring
themselves hey yeah so so in a practice like this uh you can’t have any distractions uh you can’t
have anything playing out on a on a screen and even when you’re um even when you’re with a
partner if you’re lucky enough to have a partner in this you can’t really focus a whole lot on
them you you have to go within and and you have to be turning the this is a practice of turning
the light around first and foremost oh man you’re getting all serious now okay sorry this is what
i’ve described as consort a concert practice you could tell that these meditation practices for
working with a consort like the girl sits on your lap or you’re sitting on the guy’s lap and you’re
both face to face you could tell that these were um meditation exercises designed to be visualized
because they’re obvious they’re easier to do that way unfortunately very awkward to do concert
practice with a real person yeah you probably will end up laughing you know yeah well and another
reason why having something in front of you um is not going to work um even even if you have
something playing in the background like i know some there’s some very erotic uh asmr type um
soundtracks that i’ve put on in the background that that have been able to just help me cultivate
that environment but um obviously obviously not you know should we put links in the description
i could i could provide a few links
oh definitely we have to do that definitely get lots of clicks and ratings so yeah
oh absolutely yeah but all right but it is a turning the light around right so even even
with a partner you can’t be super focused on what’s going on in the world of the senses uh
a lot of the times um when i’m when i’m by myself the room is dark i might have a little soundtrack
playing in the background my eyes are closed and what’s happening now for me is the the subject
that is affronted by the pleasure again that’s that’s why the tension builds and why the orgasm
occurs the duality is important right yes yes absolutely so what’s happening for me now is i’m
watching to make sure that subject doesn’t even arise in first place and all i’m experiencing
is pleasure and i’m allowing whatever pleasure is building within my being to simply exist without
creating that subject object relationship and it’s taken many years to develop that and and if you
take up a practice like this or people are looking for something to do with all of their energy
after the portal grade um just know that this is not overnight this takes years and years of
developing it has to something to do with the body as well there’s a body component of being able to
to teach the body that it’s okay to feel these things and that it doesn’t have to be a front
by this you correct me if i’m wrong but it and if if you’re turning the light around and you are
noticing the entity that’s trying to arise as you that’s your practice because then it’s absolutely
it’ll try it tries to just tries to arise again and then you’re like no we’re just going to
experience we’re not going to become someone to experience this we don’t the the interesting thing
about becoming someone is that is the state of hypnosis itself yeah in other words when when
somebody hypnotizes you they get you to um become a particular type of player in some kind of
scenario and then you believe you’re really it you know yeah uh and you don’t and that’s what sex
really does yeah yeah that’s and that’s exactly yeah until it goes boom yeah yeah and and a lot
of the times um there there are specific pauses within the practice where i can notice myself
getting too aroused or too switched on as a subject and i have to stop meditate turn the
light around really let that settle and be completely okay the way that i’m feeling the
sensations that i’m feeling yeah to be i think to be clear that the ability to role play in sex
would actually help you do that because you’re more aware of any entity that’s trying to rise
then so that you can say we’re not going to do that am i correct absolutely i i really love the
role play stuff because it’s sort of uh it it it’s so funny it that it creates uh i don’t want to say
a mockery but there’s something about personifying the ego that way that makes you kind of look at it
and laugh at it and say oh my gosh this is so ridiculous but yet yeah it’s so erotic
and and ultimately what the the practice has become for me is uh so i so i’m going to say this
but just take it with a grain of salt because we can we can stretch this out and talk about what
this really means it’s going to sound absurd but my life now is just feels like varying intensities
of orgasm itself so even when i finish the practice and i turn on the lights and i leave the
room and i make coffee and and get ready for work the the texture of my shirt on my skin is getting
me there and even even listening to the coffee like like spill into the cup is getting me there
right i would say breeze on my face as i’m as i’m walking to the bus stop yes and even the the the
feeling of of the bus is getting me there and it’s and it’s funny because oh man i have this
you’ll like this i have this uh this die bar that i use at work again i’m working at manufacturing
blah blah blah right so i have this special pry bar tool that i use to move dyes around
and i hold it right in the middle where the the tool is balanced and it’s a heavy tool
weighs about 30 pounds but even that feeling that balance just gets me there you know holding the
rod that’s totally kinky so um i was just i’m reminded of the way a rock star moves around
they embody that sort of um sexual charge of like michael hutchins on the stage or i don’t know it’s
like um or beyonce or something like that um can they uh there’s a every movement is a caressing
of some kind of surface oh yeah oh yeah and i remember and that’s when i met my teachers for
the first time they all were behaving that way it’s like this is really intimidating you know
like yeah yeah yeah yeah oh and so it’s what’s even more fun is is you get like a sort of background
hum of orgasm uh throughout your entire life um even when you’re asleep there’s just this
background hum of orgasm but then you have sex or then you do your your solo practice
and then you’re really starting to vibrate in that space of orgasm and there’s no starting
there’s no finishing you’re always there but it’s it’s varying levels of focus and intensity that
you’re vibrating within right so you’re saying that that this ideal of the one hour orgasm is
attainable and like yeah regularly a couple of times a week if you want if you have the time
you could do it daily even right because that has the time uh but yeah and and even when you’re
finished vibrating at that frequency and there’s no end by the way as in if you if you build up
this energy over the course of months and months it could be the most ecstatic experience of your
life oh my gosh i can’t even imagine right um and and we’re not talking about like it doesn’t
actually matter what your body is composed of what kind of equipment you’re using i haven’t said
anything about gender this is possible for both men and women oh of course and it’s and and i
think a proper sex teacher ought to go beyond the the the genders or beyond the biological
uh sexuality and talk about what’s really happening with the energy itself right so
everything i’m saying is just as accessible to men as it is women and anyone in between right
this is just sexuality and and you can build up for months and months and be vibrating so
fiercely in that state i i would i would put i would put it beyond that as you make it fear
desire energy it really encompasses everything that we’re about in our in our um i don’t want
to say unenlightened state it’s more um in our state of ignorance the things that uh are so
mystifying to us they become normal for us then i think like sex is such a mystery and all these
things that just becomes your normal way of functioning yeah mainly mainly because the
the world of surfaces we live in that are so sensual to us or threatening to us or
whatever it is like that we we begin to notice that world of surfaces yeah which is essentially
the clip off of the shell world it’s the world of demons right but um but when we transcend that
it’s not that we leave it behind it’s more like we see through it and it’s you i think one of the
words i heard used for that is you transcend and include yeah so in other words you now your
consciousness now contains that world of imaginary surfaces which you can now see past it’s like oh
i’m i’m basically creating these shapes in my mind they’re not really there what the physical world
is i don’t know what it is i but i see it directly it’s scary actually yeah yeah yeah and then and so
So you develop the ability to walk through the world, noticing your nervous system creating
these imaginary surfaces out of everything, which are fearful or enticing, and you start
to play with it.
So you can kind of do what you want with those surfaces, right, in other words, it does become
a very sort of sexual experience, and you start moving around like Michael Hutchins
in the first yeah i think he died uh masturbating i think didn’t he oh oh well i think i think i
will die masturbating if there’s any way i want to go that’s the way that was his secret he was
rockstar power you reminded me of something that i talked about so we should dangle a carrot in
front of the still using addict i was picturing a masturbating and now you’re saying dangling a
carrot thank you very much right but but we said dangling a carrot in front of
the still using Adams because when I when I work with people in the 12-step
fellowship so I’m very interested in what you’re taking as a drug yeah it’s
gonna give me a bit of an indicator of what you’re after and I would love to be
able to talk to somebody who was really switched on by those ecstasy MDMA type
drugs very essential because i guess i don’t exactly know i haven’t taken those things i’ve
done i’ve i’ve done it okay so you maybe you’ll be able to i can only think of maybe two or three
times that i’ve ever taken those and i was very young i was too young to appreciate what was
really going on but i think sexuality i think something about it is sort of moving the sexuality
throughout it’s definitely a type of venus experience but it’s not about um it’s there’s
There’s not much Mars in it at all because there’s no,
climaxing is hard.
It’s very difficult on ecstasy.
Oh yeah, and for the record,
you get good enough at this practice
and it’s actually quite a task to finish, let’s say.
Quite a task.
It’ll be harder to finish
than it is to keep that state going.
It’ll be quite natural to keep that state going
and quite difficult for you to finish the experience.
you can definitely get that way um but what i wanted to do was talk about how like these these
people who have these experiences with these drugs they’re not really showing you anything truly
alien or anything that you are not capable of as a consciousness oh i know you’re you’re open these
things for whatever reason are opening you up to states of consciousness that are well within your
grasp well within your grasp yep and everything i just described about what my life is like in with
this with this practice it’s like being on ecstasy ecstasy 24 7. the um the weird thing is is that
people relate their experiences to me what if you’ve broken through as an adept like say into
tefareth or whatever or you’ve you pretty much um come across you’re hovering on the edge of
the abyss let’s say um uh if you’re at that state you can see everything on the tree let’s say
assuming the tree of life is real okay you can see every sphera from that point so when somebody
shares an experience with you even if you haven’t really been there yourself you automatically
because of your experience with magic and having processed all the spheros of the tree of life
you can um you can see the framework they’re operating in you can always um somebody who’s
been through their exact experience might be able to help them better maybe but you no matter what
you see there’s always a it sounds really audacious too i like that so no matter what
you bring me i’m gonna i’m gonna be able to conceptualize i’m gonna be able to understand
it in some way yeah that’s one that’s a huge advantage you know in other words when anybody
comes to you with any kind of challenge you there’s there’s a framework available because
it’s based on astrology or the tree of life or alchemy is just oh i see what’s happening there
and then you can begin exploring it in terms of the frameworks that you already have
been initiated into yeah yeah that’s right it’s really cool to live it’s really cool yeah uh and
you know it’s and this is really helpful for me um in a leadership role at work or even within the
12-step fellowships because you know as as far as drug experiences i don’t have a ton um i was lucky
to get clean early i was 23 when i got clean seven years ago oh my gosh just revealed my age right
but um the i don’t have a whole lot of experiences in common necessarily with a lot of people that
come into these into these groups and yet i can still empathize with where they’re at on a really
deep level and and quite frankly almost everything that we have going on involving challenges in our
lives is um triggered into imagination triggered into manifestation by the work with the magic
circle um i know that sounds crazy actually um but the over the years working with magic circle and
the evocation invocation type things um the the main challenge that we deal with is duality it’s
always duality that’s that’s the challenge and all we’re really left facing um in in the world
is um these sort of um unresolved dualities that are just waiting to come out and then play
themselves out now this is important too because um it’s it’s a little bit annoying to say it’s
all about the demons demons demons demons right well the demons are the unresolved dualities
and there’s so much energy trapped in those um unresolved um confrontations these go back to the
to the absolute beginnings of the creation of the universe when uh light separated from darkness
let’s say okay i don’t know if that’s like a literal universe because it’s basically it talks
about how the perception of the universe arises that we have to have that sort of um contraction
into an observer and then the observed this is the primordial contraction god himself doing it right
and then something went wrong and and this contraction broke into zillions and zillions
of little contractions now they’re all out there like eyeballs everywhere trying to
look at themselves find themselves you know yeah to see themselves right
but um that’s very important too because no matter what you are dealing whatever challenges you have
it’s always one of duality which means me inside the magic circle and whatever is bothering me
outside the magic circle it’s always the same yeah and and uh and then uh we don’t have to resolve
that duality it but it’s more like seeing through it when you transcend it you actually understand
it and you live with it not um push it away or banish it to hell i banish the demon in the name
of jesus no no that’ll just make it worse yeah the thing that you’re reminding me of is something
that i talk a lot about with people and it’s uh independent happiness non-dependent happiness
undependent i’m not sure how to say it oh um the thing that i was stuck in as as a as an addict uh
in more than one sense of the word by the way um because the the the addiction thing was was very
much that duality it ran so incredibly deep and uh i was obsessed hooked on spirituality of all
things enlightenment of all things which is fine it’s totally fine so if you if you dangle light
in front of an enlightenment in front of yourself as a carrot perfectly fine in fact that’s the way
this works but it’s not real it’s not real yeah yeah yeah um but dependent happiness even dangling
the enlightenment carrot in front of me it’s like i need this thing in order to be okay i need this
thing right and it’s the thing that kept me going throughout the entire curriculum up until a
certain point right when i started to realize oh my god i’m creating such a dependent happiness
on this enlightenment experience this adeptus minor grade right and i thought it was really
going to happen when I so I didn’t do the I didn’t do the adeptus wand by that
time I sort of understood what the book was getting me to do and I’m like okay
so if I do this ritual exactly as it’s outlined kind of misses the point I felt
like it missed the point right so I’m like okay I get what it what this last
ritual in the book wants me to do I’m gonna write my own thing and I chose to
consecrate the Rose Cross layman instead I wrote my own I wrote my own ceremony
for that that was going to act as my initial good yes that’s eventually where
you want to get right yeah and so I took I took some material out of the Golden
Dawn text because they’ve got a consecration ritual for the Rose Cross
layman in there I took some of that I took some of the stuff from your book
and a few other just impressions that I had about what the whole Adeptus Minor
thing was supposed to be about and I crafted this ritual and I still have the
layman and it’s still you can still if I have someone over to the home who’s even
just a little bit psychic and I and I bring it out they can still sense an aura
around a sort of life force pulsing from it even after a number of years now and
that’s that’s always that’s always a good sign of of an effective consecration but your whole house
uh will tend to have something unusual about it oh yeah this is your house today it’s really weird
because um people will visit tibetan llamas and say i don’t know why all his stuff is so much
cooler than our stuff like his prayer bees are so and they’re just ordinary prayer beads you know
everything seems to have this um quality to it like as you can probably see like we live in a
tiny tiny little basement apartment in southern well so canada is in the midst of a housing crisis
right now so we have what we can afford right now and it’s just a basement apartment what is that
water cooler ice maker little mocha pot my um tallow fryer there right really basic stuff i
mean i’m not i’m not uh i don’t know i thought i thought the adept would be so much cooler right
but the um basic stuff but you come here and you feel what’s here there’s a there’s a great line
from the county monte cristo i think it’s just the movie though where the um the main character
as a child got a toy whistle and his friend who was really rich got a pony or something like that
right yeah and uh uh the the main character i forget their names the the main character um
loved that whistle so much and had so much fun with it and the rich kid didn’t really
enjoy the pony very much and he was so jealous of how much pleasure the other guy got of just
the whistle right and he hated him for the rest of his life because of that he’s so jealous of
that ability to derive pleasure from just about anything oh yeah and and like i’m living that
because i i literally like a cold cellar my my temple was set up in i don’t even have enough
room to stretch my arms out for for the um uh what is it for the sign of uh uh ice this morning
i don’t like i i have to do it like this because i literally don’t have enough room to move around
it’s you know he’s like he lives under the stairs he’s like harry potter yes very much so yeah with
the glasses and everything right but even circumambulations are really tricky for me
in that tiny space because i i have to tiptoe around the little central altar that i have
um we don’t even have a flat screen we don’t have streaming devices nothing we have old crt
tvs that we thrifted from value village we love that old buzzing aura of those old 90s tvs
um oh my gosh our our couch is a is a 70s couch we have 200 vhs tapes that we’ve collected of all
of our favorite movies inside our couch. VHS. VHS yeah and like you look at me now like
I don’t even have an office dude. We’re doing this from my kitchen and I wish you could
see what I’m looking at. This computer is on my piano like my piano is right in front
of me. It’s just I’m making do with what I have but like I can’t imagine my life being
anything other than what it is i’m there and it’s that unreasonable happiness i’ve got no reason to
be as happy as i am from a materialist point of view and yet people get frustrated with me very
much like you said like they come over to the house and and we’re dancing in the kitchen as
we’re cooking meals for people that we have over and and we’re laughing and we’re carrying on and
this and that and then the temple room is is is just over there uh sort of at the end of our
little kitchen space and there’s always a bit of an aura of flowing from there and so the kitchen
is a very vibrant place in our home and people come over and they it’s intoxicating it’s and
they don’t know what it is that makes them feel so light and so free in our home but it’s intoxicating
and affronting to some people as well um there there’s something very off about um the place
that we live in for whatever reason right um but but the but the but the concert i i say all this
but the consecration ceremony for that rose cross lane that was supposed to be it that was supposed
to be i’m going to emerge from this virtual unadapted and it didn’t happen that way in fact
i can’t even point to a place in time and say definitively that that was the beginning.
i can’t even conceive of a beginning anymore. and i can even think back to experiences
that i had when i was five years old where i felt the movements and the aura and the
the different levels of the aura. and so where did it start? when was i consecrated an
initiate when did i cross into the grade of adeptus minor right those those points in time
that were such huge benchmarks and landmarks to me in that sort of unenlightened state of being
i can’t even point to those anymore and say that it happened there because it could have happened
when i was five years old and i first felt the aura begin to move uh and it’s so fascinating to
me that it’s all happened the way that it did because it’s completely independent of any
circumstance whatsoever and that’s why i said at the beginning of this of this this session
luck i don’t know i got nothing else to say it helps to have to have experienced
um what i refer to as the imagination itself and and what tibetan buddhists would call
awareness just as it is pure awareness in other words you very often need a teacher to point out
what what actual awareness is and uh you were talking about being five years old or something
like that i think i was four or five when i now i remember having seen what pure awareness was
yeah and i even at that age i knew that it was important to me to have noticed it and i knew
that it was not important to anybody else around me in other words and if i talked about it they
would have been like what are you talking about that’s ridiculous but um and if any of you guys
want me to try to point out what pure fundamental awareness is, as opposed to the images that
float around in it.
You want to see it for yourself.
I can try to help you with that, like in a session maybe.
But anyway, that can be a very important experience unto itself as a beginning to notice instead
of the images in imagination, you notice imagination itself.
Yeah, that’s very important.
are experiences though in the work where um it’s catastrophic in other words um the letting the
letting go attacks you know which which i warn people about which are more most likely to come
over you what between waking and sleep oh no i’ll second that for sure and uh now we’re back to the
to the anthony testimony stay away stay away this is dangerous stuff that’s karan’s on he’s gonna
yeah yeah while you’re sleeping he’s gonna eat you yeah and i had an experience in the portal
grade that was that was very difficult for me um but as far as letting go
i think it happened i don’t know it’s hard for me to tell um i i know things were very different
after that and it’s it’s um when i started the portal grade it was a very trying time it was
very difficult for me to to bring those four worlds together um and i was struggling a lot
i struggled more in those first 10 weeks bringing the four worlds together than i did at any other
point in the curriculum and the i was struggling with myself i’m going to say they essentially
collapse spoiler alert everything everything collapses so there’s no longer as uh absolute
is up here everything’s together now no absolutely like it came here it wasn’t yeah it wasn’t this
this far away thing anymore it came in an old i really like that collapse that’s what it’s
about like and uh um i read um i just sound like a cartoli when i when i say this but man
like i get it now what he went right if anybody’s wondering what we’re talking about read the first
few pages of the power of now yeah that’s a very brief description of a letting go attack
yeah i i also give one in one of the articles in forbidden realms if somebody could maybe comment
which one that is um i forget which one it is i’m sorry uh when when i had my first letting go attack
and uh it was in i think i was in zelada yeah i remember i remember more than eckhart’s holy does
um he seems to have blacked out for the most part and didn’t really understand what what happened to
him um i i was conscious for most of it and it was very similar as in the the portal grade and
what was happening uh energetically in the portal grade was very a lot it was just a lot and i
realized that the thing that i was having such a big problem with was was the thing that was trying
to hang on and and create some kind of order and create some some some illusion of control
for itself and what happened to me was i beheld that thing before me and i said what what is what
is this thing that is that is so desperately trying to hang on throughout this experience
of the world’s collapsing on themselves and then i realized oh my gosh oh it’s there how am i out
here but what’s this and then as soon as i say what’s this thing that’s that’s beholding itself
then it it it just exploded and it felt like the entire universe like the entire observable
universe came rushing into my bedroom. I was in bed of course while this was happening. It was
like three or four o’clock in the morning. I had a terrible sleep all night because I was so stressed
out by what was happening, this world’s collapsing in the portal break and it felt like the
entire observable universe was in my bedroom and I felt this incredible vastness of being itself
and it was just being there was nothing else in it but being and i and i was just and i and i did
that thing where everything has like this crystalline diamond shear to it and i realized
there’s nothing here there’s nothing here nothing nothing exists nothing stands apart from itself
this is yeah being when and when it when this tends to happen i don’t know i don’t want to
speak for you but sure um you come out of it again oh yeah as far as like yeah my ego reconstitutes
it i’m i think it’s possible to experience ego death where the ego does not rise again
however uh not even eckhart tolle will admit to that you know he basically sometimes still gets
annoyed with people and things like that so but um for the most part it’s gone you know with people
like him um what what happens is that you now walk around in the world and it’s too late you’ve seen
yeah what what what reality is everything loses its sting and and another thing is that this
sort of dimension that you have stumbled into or that pretty much over overtook you is now with you
everywhere yeah in the background yeah uh and it’s kind of like a presence yeah and i refer to that
as a briatic world really there’s you conceptualize it that way and um uh and it uh and i like it that
way too because then it’s the archangelic realm yeah yeah yeah yeah so that’s with you everywhere
and the interesting thing is that when something’s really important um evolutionary wise the that
presence draws nearer or it intensifies yeah yeah so and it’s not something that you um have control
of necessarily it steps in and then and then uh you can you could repress it i think as far as
the most part but of course you know better than to do that by then um and then uh you’ll end up
doing things that hopefully you won’t regret but uh but in other words the mostly what happens it
just intensifies and you’re really able to laser beam on some kind of issue and help somebody or
focus on well i don’t know what else it usually usually involves another person the uh the thing
that i struggled with most and sort of what happened to me and sort of reconstituting let’s
say because it certainly happened that way for sure um um was i was 25 when that happened 25
years old when that happened and i felt so young and so ill-equipped to handle what was happening
um and it was the it was the self-esteem that killed me and i spent years in denial of the
experience that i had and i said it couldn’t possibly be that easy it couldn’t possibly be
that simple i couldn’t possibly be that lucky or that fortunate to have had that experience
that so many great sages and enlightened beings through all of our history have spoken about it
couldn’t be me and and again that in in and of itself was something that needed to be healed
And I discovered that it was some codependency from growing up in like an alcoholic home
and just growing up with such low self-esteem from having a difficult upbringing, right?
And even in addressing that, I addressed the denial and I addressed the doubt.
And I realized that that was it.
And that the work that I do now, as far as spirituality or enlightenment practice is concerned,
is first of all allowing that to be my natural state of being first and foremost
and catching the ego when it does want to reconstitute and it’s always dark for me
it’s always some self-doubt or some denial right it’s that world-weary jaded persona that steps
in and says you couldn’t possibly be this you know exactly or say it’s that writing teacher
that you had in high school that said oh i know there aren’t any shakespeare’s in this room nobody
could write that good which is absurd you know like it’s like it’s ridiculous fire that teacher
right so um but uh because the the the the level of innocence and rawness that shakespeare was
writing from believe it or not is just uh right there yeah and it’s uh it doesn’t have anything
to do with what a lot of the professors will say oh it takes you years to craft your skill
yeah it might take years to to um undo the jadedness and the conditioning yeah and and this
but i love this world very jaded persona i i very often wear it like oh i can’t believe
he said that like it’s so passe you know like yeah but that that that entity creeps in and
says you couldn’t possibly be like a Leonardo da Vinci no yeah and it it does
it still take over hi I don’t I don’t know like it I catch it quickly now very
quickly and as far as I don’t know about this permanent enlightenment stuff and I
think this is where we have butt heads a little bit right where whereas I don’t
think we look at a guy like Eckhart Tolle or we look at like a look at a guy
like Rupert Spiral right we think that they’re in this permanent state of
enlightenment or we imagine what the Buddha was like and we think of this
permanent state of enlightenment where he’s just open constantly open I don’t
think that’s what’s going on I think they are still processing stuff but
they’re processing stuff at such an incredible speed that it appears as if
they’re constantly open just like frames in a in a movie if you slow down you see the individual
frames kind of like an enlightenment person processing their karma they are still processing
it but it’s happening so incredibly fast that to regular eyes or to other initiates they just
appear open all the time but i don’t buy it for a second that eckhart tolle or the buddha or
rupert spiro anybody isn’t processing things they’re just at such a level of that adepthood
it that it happens so quickly there’s it’s great it’s a non-dual nanoseconds of holding on right
yeah okay yeah absolutely because that’s the way that’s the way like in other words it wouldn’t
be bliss unless there was a little bit of clinging and letting go yes exactly the way it’s the
vibration you know that works like that way um and i think about uh like isn’t just in my own
in my own process i can think back to a couple of years ago oh well the portal great right when i
really struggling um i’d be in something for weeks weeks and weeks writing about the same thing over
and over again in my journal uh maybe the same bit of uh karma would take me uh a couple of days now
and i can imagine sort of projecting myself into the future assuming things as they uh continue the
way they have maybe it takes me an hour to process something in five years from now okay well what
what about 20 years from now it might take me five seconds to process that
particular bit and what if you just keep that momentum going well eventually
you’ll reach a point where that stuff is being processed in nanoseconds and I
think that’s what we really mean when we say permanently enlightened there’s no
permanent there’s no arriving at that state of being but yeah there’s some so
much momentum that it’s yeah very rapid the terminology used in the most
advanced uh tantric buddhists is stabilization i think uh in other words um we it’s not that
difficult to have an enlightenment experience uh but then of course to stabilize within that state
is an entirely different different matter yeah i was gonna say yeah he would say i’m no i’m not
always i’m not continuously in that state um and he he would say i don’t think it’s even possible
you know um and i i think the buddhists tend to say the same they would say the buddha did not
become completely enlightened until he died in other words but he was in other words he was in
nirvana and then he entered pari nirvana which i think it just means perfect complete nirvana
after and that makes perfect sense because your body is still a human body and is processing all
of its cell memory yeah it’s just as these things come up you just notice them and it’s like well
that’s that’s that’s right that’s really none of my business so it’s just doing its thing you know
um which means that if somebody comes at you with a knife you think you’ve conquered your fear of
death but the body still freaks out you know yeah and so people would say well what’s the advantage
then it’s like you don’t understand it’s like the body freaks out but i i find it interesting now
it’s not it’s not it’s not um it’s not something that takes me over anymore even though you can’t
tell what’s going on for me it’s like there’s the suffering is almost gone yeah almost like
like you know they clench up again yeah i still still don’t like going on roller coasters so
what oh my gosh i love roller coasters anyways yeah motion sickness yeah yeah well yeah we’ve
gone for two hours haven’t we oh i know yeah okay so you guys uh take out take of this what you will
but um this is not a testimonial you’ve seen some of the uh adventures that we can go through in in
magic as it actually is yeah yeah yeah it’s you know i i can’t i can’t keep coming back to that
thing that i said at the beginning um you could do everything right um and it still won’t happen
you could check every box on the checklists and it still won’t happen um uh i had nothing i had
i built this from nothing you know the the active addiction the drug addiction had already taken
everything from me um it’s it’s it’s strange to have been blessed that way didn’t feel like a
blessing at the time but it definitely had something to do with the success that i’ve had
in magic of course i mean the being but being addicted and then reaching rock bottom right
like a full-blown rock bottom experience where everything is is blown apart you’re left with
nothing um well yeah i second that having only been through a little bit of addiction by just
being able to sit in a room with people immersed in it seeing how what they’re experiencing is the
same thing i’m experiencing uh they just have it really bad in other words like it’s more intense
with them and just to reiterate for everybody that that can be an advantage yeah any challenge you
face can be used as a vehicle to yourself for your self-transformation yeah and i think before
enlightenment you know yeah yeah and i think that’s what i’m trying to say i was definitely
one of those hopeless cases that you probably saw in the kratom bar right um and i don’t know what
happened where i where i like they weren’t that bad just i was probably worse than i just you know
when you develop a sensitivity sensitivity to it yeah yeah yeah yeah i’m so you it’s funny because
you think i’m trying to get out of suffering but the the primary thing that happens is you become
really interested in suffering no matter where you are the the intensity of your awareness goes up
when you’re in the presence of suffering yeah it’s it’s completely the opposite of what you want
and you know i i always say this and i’ll say it again i probably said it already today that
the addict is so perfectly primed for the the enlightenment process because there’s already
this dissatisfaction this inherent dissatisfaction we’ve all got it if you haven’t struggled with
an addiction you will at some point right we’ve all got it but the addict is is so that suffering
is so incredibly intensified and they’ve got a fake solution to a very real problem yeah and
and i and i do believe that regardless of what you’re using or how long you’ve been using for or
how how deep you’re in that active addiction it’s still an opportunity it’s an absolutely
an opportunity and i think that’s what i was trying to say in that my level of hopelessness
as an addict is what primed me for this work to actually be successful.
To be successful as a magician, the act of addiction was so crucial to me as an opportunity
to actually do this magical work for real.
And it’s a blessing in disguise.
It’s hell.
Oh my God.
And I know…
Yeah, I would say people who are worried about not succeeding and doing the great work, let’s
say, the mechanism is quite simple.
manner in which you are trying to get out of suffering is very often the manner in which
you are perpetuating suffering yeah and if you don’t notice that then you will stay stuck magic
concluded right uh as you concluded yeah if you’re if you’re if your kabbalah magic book is your
ticket out of suffering well um it it might it’s the best thing to be strung out on uh at
enlightenment practice is the best thing to be strung out on let me tell you uh because i think
it’s the only thing that really works as far as getting you to a point where you see that duality
right maybe right and if you’re everybody do your mat you do your mat keep your magical journal
write about your sufferings as they come up otherwise you’ll end up like arthur edward wait
just read anything he’s written that’s what you’ll become if you don’t do shadow work correctly okay
and you probably know there are other people out there like that as well so yeah i’m glad you said
it i wasn’t gonna say it well he’s sad he’s nobody cares right yeah yeah but no i i appreciate you
you having me on and and just letting me because the addiction thing and like when you talked about
it i’m like okay this was all nico’s idea so if you guys don’t like the video it’s his fault right
yes my fault you can blame me but no i i it was the first time that i felt like i wanted to reach
out and be involved in this just to just to show people who might be struggling with addiction
that it can be used as an advantage absolutely and that i don’t know i don’t know if anything
i have is attractive to those who are on the path whatever fellow initiates but it’s absolutely
possible that unreasonable happiness that happiness that is no longer dependent on anything
and uh thus it’s it’s you can be happy no matter what’s going on in your life that uh that line
that that one uh i don’t know you’re not trying right yeah no it’s not going to work but it really
doesn’t matter what happens if you strain every muscle hard enough like you can be happy right
anyways that’s all that’s all i’ll say i thank you i thank you to the viewers this is a wonderful
platform that’s being built here right and man so cool yeah this is kind of the black sheep of
the golden dawn world too so i don’t think anybody else in the golden dawn right now wants to
interview me but we’ll find out we have some things in the works so we’ll see yeah
cool cool all righty thanks thank you i really appreciate it yeah no problem see you bye
Source: Lyam Christopher